Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony (Mahatma Gandhi)Happiness....thats all I want. I have learned that YOU determine your OWN Happiness. I lost my appetite, for food, for socializing and for being happy. I find myself constantly doing things, and poking my nose into things that I know will hurt me. It is like I keep searching for PROOF that he is cheating, that he is with other women...(deep down inside I know I have all the proof I need) by constantly searching for proof I KEEP HURTING MYSELF! The hardest thing I think is being honest with yourself....actually opening up to yourself and telling yourself (Out loud) that this what you really feel, and this is what you really want to do. Allowing your thoughts, your words and your actions to all be the same.I am going to keep it 100 and be completely up front (after all I am working on being happy and becoming happy requires honesty) I have told people I was over him as soon as enough time dealing with the infidelity had passed (but I wasn't over him, I still thought about him every second) I would YELL at him when he came close to me and tell him the thought of his very touch made me sick (all I wanted was for him to hold me close again and tell me he loved me and that he was sorry) Bottom line....I WAS EXTREMELY UNHAPPY. I was saying things, and doing things that were completely different from how I felt deep down inside.
So I am trying out this new thing...I call it "Keeping it 100" Where everything I say and do are in line with what I really feel inside. It takes a lot of courage, because I think that PRIDE has to be out of the picture, and a HUGE slice of humble pie is the diet prescribed. Even though it makes me look weak, even though it makes me look like a huge doormat, I find I am happier with my life. I AM HONEST WITH MYSELF and my actions and words REFLECT how I am really feeling. Today, I am still alone..I wake up to a child crying for breakfast...and not a man laying next to me, but I am alright with that.....I AM HAPPY...I am honest with myself that I am lonely, but I am ok with being lonely (for now). I owe myself time with myself....so I can find out what really makes me happy! I'm "Keeping it 100"
I love this "100" post! Definitely what I needed to hear, particularly this morning when I woke up feeling lonely and more lonely as I drove down towards the other side of the island.
ReplyDeleteHows about I did the SAME thing. I kept telling myself and everyone that I hated him and I was done with him, yet I'd constantly find ways to let him back in my life or pry into every little detail that he was doing even though I knew it hurt me. It was like I was intentionally hurting myself thinking that every "next" time he'd change or come back. When he touches me I get repulsed and sickened. But all I want was him to touch me and actually feel and mean the untruthful words that would come out of his mouth.
We just wanted love. Completely loyal, good, beautiful love, that we even settled for fake love because it ws all we were getting for a while.
I'm so glad u posted this. NO MORE CHARADES for both of us. We need to be honest with ourselves and our feelings. And sometimes even if people don't want to hear the honest side, then too bad. We shouldn't feel ashamed for being real :)