To: YOU

Words can't even begin to express the emotions that run through my veins...emotions that stem from my heart, pumping adrenaline through my body...causing my mind to process my thoughts at 3000 mph..              ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ EMOTION OVERLOAD ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶   is what my brain is screaming right now....

You are my first love...I saved my all for you..I gave my all to you. I used caution with every man that came into my life, I was extra careful not to give them what I was saving for my first love.."MY HEART"...I kept it locked up tight, behind fences and barbed wire..up in an emotional tower..so high..that only my "true love" would have the time and energy to capture it, and then I met you. You found your way through all the traps I had set for the "imposters", you broke down every wall I had up and braved the impossible heights of my emotional tower to capture "my heart"....but what was it all for? what was all that hard work for??

❤ I LOVE YOU❤ .....but no one has hurt me more than you, and no one ever will...I am getting sick of having so many emotional battles with myself because of you.....You have betrayed me in the worst kind of way...Why did you put so much time and effort into a relationship you were planning on abandoning in the end? Why do you keep coming in and out of my life? Giving me "tests" to see if I really do love you. I am just hoping and praying that one day you will wake up and realize that life is not a big game....I hope you see the casualties of your wreck less behavior....I hope you CRY when you realize the pain you have inflicted ☹

"You and I can never work because you love OUR son more than anyone" is what you said to me

"But I LOVED you more than ANYONE" I said

"Exactly...LOVED..so how can we work?" was your reply

MENTAL WARFARE is the ONLY form of communication you know

I DESPISE the mental warfare you inflict on me...I wish you could just clear your mind and figure out what you want before you fire at me with your verbal ammunition! I am drained...you accuse me of loving our son more than you..but he needs the love I give him to survive and become twice the man you are...he is the only male I trust my broken heart with.

YOU are the only man that has the ability to get under my skin and stay there, why do I let you have such control over me??!!! No matter how much I have tried I can't wash you out of my senses!!! I wish I had a crystal ball...how does this end? 

I can choose the ending...but do I have COURAGE to make that decision??

YOU...still linger in every part of me..what can I do?

                 

Im Tired

Im am tired......today is just one of the days when I feel like I've been hit from all sides, and every time I try to get up..I just get knocked down again!

I don't want to complain because I know that, that is what life is all about and that is why I am here on Earth...to be tested..

I'm just tired...I was reading a book today entitled "However Long and Hard the Road" and this one part stuck out to me....IT MADE ME BAWL MY EYES OUT:

" We must work hard and do right, as Abraham Lincoln said, and sometime our chance will come. And when we've tried , really tried, and waited for what seemed never to be ours, then we may experience what the Savior experienced when "the angels came and ministered unto him." (Matthew 4:11.) SURELY THAT IS WORTH WAITING FOR."

I am tired...but I know if I do my part and do my best..I will have a moment when I will look back and smile...because staying true to myself and my standards was worth it!  

TAKE THAT HARD TIMES!!!

God and I

" And if there is a God; and if thou are God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me,  AND I WILL GIVE AWAY ALL MY SINS TO KNOW THEE........" (Alma 22:18)

 Such powerful, heart piercing words spoken by King Lamoni's father after hearing Aaron teach him the Gospel. His words echo in my mind over and over "I will give away ALL my sins to know thee".

I know it is weird to hear a person speak of a being who is unseen by anyone and who has become almost a myth in today's troubled world. But here's the truth...I WOULD NOT BE AT THE WONDERFUL PLACE I AM TODAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR GOD. Amidst all the craziness that has happened within the last year, I found that my life was filled with nothing but hatred towards anyone that was not on my side, depression, chaos and fear. I spent most of my time chasing waterfalls...occupying my time with things that would only bring me grief, sadness, anger and all feelings that were NEGATIVE.

SO I TURNED TO MY HEAVENLY FATHER: 

Why?

 It is only when I am diligently seeking out the lord that I feel the PEACE I so desperately need in my life. The hardest thing about turning to Heavenly Father constantly is the fact that sometimes it feels like I am just talking to myself, I am pouring out my heart to Heavenly Father and the only thing I hear is my echos...

I Loved King Lamoni's father's words so much that I decided to adopt it into my life..I would give away all my sins to know MY HEAVENLY FATHER...and by sins I meant I would stop doing things that I knew would hurt me, I would stop trying to change people and instead change myself, I would stop enabling my husband even if it hurt to see him struggle on his own..I would GIVE UP everything I was doing in my life that would give Satan a chance to catch me and keep me down.....I would give it all up just to have the chance to get to know my Heavenly Father....and I must say that was the best decision I made thus far..

  PRAYER WORKS!! 

 Every time I find myself slipping back into the old me...feeling angry, hopeless, frustrated or lonely I quickly turn to my Heavenly Father...he answers prayers, he gives me the peace I need to be able to keep it together. I have found that as you spend your time trying to draw near to God...you find yourself moving farther and farther away from the things that have potential to hurt you....."The closer you draw to God the narrower the path becomes"..today I find that I have no time for things that have the potential to obstruct my path leading me to my Heavenly Father....ANYTHING that will stop me from drawing closer to my Heavenly Father has got to go!

" Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." ( D&C 88: 63)

I know that prayer works...I have received countless answers to my prayers when I have needed them the most....I know that as you draw closer to Heavenly Father he will draw closer to you and guide you THROUGH your trials....I still have hard days that come at me, but I can't even begin to describe the PEACE I now have in my life as I diligently seek the help of my Heavenly Father.

 

To you: The "OTHER WOMAN"

You came into my life, Uninvited and now you are a permanent part of my history....under any other circumstances our paths would NEVER have crossed. You and I are so different...

I have always wondered what I would say to you if we ever sat down and had a serious conversation...(a CIVIL conversation) I have never had that opportunity nor do I feel that I ever will anytime soon (my mom always told me if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all) even though my days are consumed with thoughts of my future, my child and figuring out my own life, for me to say that you never cross my mind would be a complete LIE.

I can't say that I can not completely understand what you are going through..because I know to an extent (minus the in love with a married guy part) how you must be feeling and why it must be so hard for you to see why what you are doing is wrong. I have read your letters to him and it breaks my heart...because I was once in your shoes.....(I loved him too you know) I despise the fact that I have to see you around and fight back the urge to lose it..you give me looks as if to say you won the battle and it makes me wonder what type of person finds joy in the demise of others? especially if they are tearing a family apart....instead of anger I feel sad for you...you are still a child and you will one day see....hopefully not the way I was forced to "SEE".

I notice how you walk..slumped over...head down..eyes to the ground...(How can something so WRONG feel so RIGHT? Right?....WRONG) No matter how you try to rationalize your relationship, or your love for him it will NEVER make it right...NEVER. Nothing good can ever come from something wrong..."Being the other woman is fun until your conscience acts up or you get caught".....(I hope you have a working conscience)


 I have nothing much that I want to say to you..yes you are in my life now, I don't want you here......but the choice was never mine to begin with...I have no regrets today..you and I are just so different, we are on different levels spiritually, career wise, socially and in everything else in life..our perceptions  of love are so different.

I want you to know this...and I hope I make myself clear..I am not chasing him...and I am not stalking you (contrary to what you tell people) I have enough to worry about to spend my time on things that are counter productive....I only have one request for you, please have the decency to stay away from me and my son, when you see me don't be brave....because even though I am working on not hating you...I am not perfect and I might snap...I JUST MIGHT..

Yes I love my husband..but the man you are with is NOT the version of him that I want in my life... you can have that "version" of him......I will not take anything less than the man I married and I will NEVER be the other woman.......

 I will always be a part of his life like it or not...just like you will always be a part of my history, whether I like it or not.

Keeping it 100

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony   (Mahatma Gandhi)
Happiness....thats all I want. I have learned that YOU determine your OWN Happiness.  I lost my appetite, for food, for socializing and for being happy. I find myself constantly doing things, and poking my nose into things that I know will hurt me. It is like I keep searching for PROOF that he is cheating, that he is with other women...(deep down inside I know I have all the proof I need) by constantly searching for proof I KEEP HURTING MYSELF! The hardest thing I think is being honest with yourself....actually opening up to yourself and telling yourself (Out loud) that this what you really feel, and this is what you really want to do. Allowing your thoughts, your words and your actions to all be the same.I am going to keep it 100 and be completely up front (after all I am working on being happy and becoming happy requires honesty) I have told people I was over him as soon as enough time dealing with the infidelity had passed (but I wasn't over him, I still thought about him every second) I would YELL at him when he came close to me and tell him the thought of his very touch made me sick (all I wanted was for him to hold me close again and tell me he loved me and that he was sorry) Bottom line....I WAS EXTREMELY UNHAPPY. I was saying things, and doing things that were completely different from how I felt deep down inside. 

So I am trying out this new thing...I call it "Keeping it 100" Where everything I say and do are in line with what I really feel inside. It takes a lot of courage, because I think that PRIDE has to be out of the picture, and a HUGE slice of humble pie is the diet prescribed. Even though it makes me look weak, even though it makes me look like  a huge doormat, I find I am happier with my life. I AM HONEST WITH MYSELF and my actions and words REFLECT how I am really feeling. Today, I am still alone..I wake up to a child crying for breakfast...and not a man laying next to me, but I am alright with that.....I AM HAPPY...I am honest with myself that I am lonely, but I am ok with being lonely (for now). I owe myself time with myself....so I can find out what really makes me happy! I'm "Keeping it 100"

Hard to FORGIVE but even harder to LOVE

The FIRST emotion that filled my body was HATE!! I hated my husband for what he did to me (deep down inside I loved him still) I hated all the women he cheated on me with...(I hated them more than I hated him) To me they were the enemy, they were the ones that broke my family apart...they were at fault!!!

WHO WAS I KIDDING? *He was the reason they were in this mess*

It took a lot of physical altercations, a lot of angry words, LOTS of LIES, but even more praying for me to get to this realize..

     " IT IS EASY TO HATE SOMEONE BUT IT TAKES EVEN MORE COURAGE TO LOVE THEM"

Having so much anger and hatred in my heart has done me no good...it has only added to my depression, its made it hard for me to see anything in a positive light and it has severed my relationship with God.

It is unusual for anyone to speak of religion, but religion and God are the reason I'm coping...

Believing in the existence of a Deity is the only way to get through....Believing that there is someone greater than me, helps me realize that if there is someone greater than I or anyone that has hurt me...then there is SOMETHING greater than THIS...it gives me hope.

The easiest thing for me to do at this point is Hate her....but instead I pray for her
The easiest thing for me to do is Hate him.....instead I pray for him

Being Negative has done me no good, hating them has done me no good....But TRYING (and believe me it is hard) to LOVE them is giving me courage and strength to carry on with my life after all:

"The best thing you can do for a girl that steals your man is to let her have him, because a truly good man can never be stolen.”


I'm working on LOVING more......I'm trying to forgive, Yes I do hurt...yes the pain is unbearable, but I'm finally learning the REAL CONCEPT of LOVE and what I am walking away from was far from it....

Two choices

My husband cheated on me! Now what??? I have to wake up every morning to that reality and YES it is a big shot to my self esteem....I'm going to be completely honest when I say I wake up every morning FEARING what ever new curve ball life will throw at me. I fear that I won't be able to take care of my child, I fear that no one will want me because I have a child, I fear that I will never have the courage to trust again... Each day I spend 80% of my time looking over my shoulder and dodging anything that will TRIGGER A MEMORY of my life with him, because lets face it, right now...MEMORIES HURT!

TWO Choices 1. Spend my life DODGING everything, and miss out on LIVING

                                                                       OR

                          2. Spend my life FACING everything and KEEP LIVING

I keep telling myself that there are people out there going through the same thing, or worse...and I realized there really are! If there is one thing I KNOW now about getting your heart broken because of infidelity it is...even though you walk away from the relationship, you are left with so many EMOTIONAL battle wounds...and those wounds will not heal over night. It took me over 6 months to fall in love with my husband, and it took us 3 years to build trust...if you think about it thats a lot of time....but like they say TIME FLIES WHEN YOU ARE HAVING FUN and it DRAGS when you aren't. Time is definitely dragging right now...but I am not going to give up...I have TOO MUCH riding on this, My child, my sanity, my future and all my hard work that got me to this point in life.

I'm taking choice #2...life is too short to spend most of your time looking over your shoulder....

Morning After..

There is nothing I hate more than waking up ALONE in my own bed. My bed was made for me, and I have no choice but to lay in it. ..
                   My deepest fear? BEING ALONE...
They say you have to face your fears some time, I feel like I was forced into this battle with my fears..I wasn't ready to face it yet, but if I wasn't pushed into it..I would have kept avoiding it even if it meant being UNHAPPY all my life.

Waking up alone in bed is my first step..Im facing my fears..Taking it head on...If I do it now, I won't have to spend the rest of my life avoiding this fear...My tactic? ONE DAY AT A TIME.. The words of a famous reggae artist Gregory Isaacs echos in my head, "I'd rather be LONELY than live a DIRTY LIE"..thats what I'm going to do..be lonely...ALONE...(for now that is) until my heart is no longer broken.

My Story

THE WHY?
   I am new to this blogging thing, but I thought I would give it a try. Writing is something I never liked to do,  I always thought that the only time someone should write is when they are really passionate about something, I feel the only way something could really impact another person is if it comes from the Heart. This blog is about the heart and everything I write will come from my heart. I do not write on behalf of everyone that has gotten their hearts broken, because everyone is different and EVERYONE deals with a broken heart differently. I will however, write from the point of view of a WOMAN and a SINGLE MOTHER with a broken heart. I want this Blog to Inspire every woman that can relate to my situation and to help you see that after all the heartache, depression and fear the only way to go is UP!

THE WHAT?
   I got married relatively young...at the age of 21 to be exact. I had met the man of my dreams, he was eight years older, he was tall dark and handsome, every word he spoke to me was like gold! I loved him for his "honesty" his "kindness" his "generosity" and I found that we had the same "goals" in life. I figured I didn't need to look any further, I had found my "Prince". We went every where together, and did everything together, he was my best friend.

   Six months into our marriage to be exact we got pregnant, four months following the positive pregnancy test we lost our child to a "spontaneous abortion" the fetus' heart stops beating. This is the moment  that I THINK I lost him...Following an abnormal pap-smear I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer...(I was losing him fast). After the cancer treatment, we tried again for a child and were successful! (I won him back!) Things started to take a turn for the worst from there..he became distant, he worked a lot and I made excuses for why he stayed away...(I was losing him again, and I didn't even know it!) Our bundle of Joy finally arrived and my husband was back! He was no longer distant and it was like we were finally complete...three  months later I had just returned home from a wonderful thanksgiving dinner with our family! I had so much to be thankful for! My baby, my husband and our home! My husband had to go out for a couple of hours and I was at home with our three month old. There came a knock at the door, today I keep kicking myself for opening that door. I shouldn't have answered!! I did...it was my close friends and my sisters, they brought bad news...he was having an affair!! My heart jumped out of my body...I felt light headed...Where was my husband? What was he really doing? The only sounds that could escape my lips were groans, I was dying inside...I could hear my heart breaking....My "fairytale" was coming to an abrupt end! It hadn't even begun!! We were only married two years! We had a baby! WHY?!

   The next morning we had the "talk" he said he loved me and he loved our baby...(but she was not the only girl he was having an affair with)...he said he wanted to work everything out with me....(but he kept seeing her). I did what most women with a broken heart would do...I despised the other woman, I told myself he was only with her because she was chasing him around, she was the enemy and he was the victim. I had to be the strong woman and protect him from her..I had it twisted...he had me twisted! I would spend countless nights laying in bed listening for his footsteps to walk down the hall to come home from work, they never came till the early hours of the morning.  I spent countless hours going through his emails only to confirm what I already knew..he was still cheating and he wasn't going to stop. Everyday my heart would break into another million pieces yet I couldn't let go! One night we got into an argument...he hit me! I cried my eyes out that night...yet I still couldn't leave..I was weak.. I was comfortable with the abuse, somehow I convinced myself it was because I was so broken he didn't love me! If I could somehow "fix" myself he would love me again. Things never got better, my sisters finally convinced me I needed help and that I had to get out!

   My night of Exodus is what I called it...it was hard, he wouldn't let me leave, he threatened to take my son from me, he threatened violence. My sisters helped me pack and move out..I could finally BREATHE! Its been two months since my night of Exodus...The pain is still there...the sting of love is still there, my heart breaks every time I see a reminder of "us". Everyday I fight an emotional battle.....sometimes I win sometimes I don't, but the days that I do win my broken heart mends a little more. This is my battle, this is my JOURNEY UP!