To you: The "OTHER WOMAN"

You came into my life, Uninvited and now you are a permanent part of my history....under any other circumstances our paths would NEVER have crossed. You and I are so different...

I have always wondered what I would say to you if we ever sat down and had a serious conversation...(a CIVIL conversation) I have never had that opportunity nor do I feel that I ever will anytime soon (my mom always told me if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all) even though my days are consumed with thoughts of my future, my child and figuring out my own life, for me to say that you never cross my mind would be a complete LIE.

I can't say that I can not completely understand what you are going through..because I know to an extent (minus the in love with a married guy part) how you must be feeling and why it must be so hard for you to see why what you are doing is wrong. I have read your letters to him and it breaks my heart...because I was once in your shoes.....(I loved him too you know) I despise the fact that I have to see you around and fight back the urge to lose it..you give me looks as if to say you won the battle and it makes me wonder what type of person finds joy in the demise of others? especially if they are tearing a family apart....instead of anger I feel sad for you...you are still a child and you will one day see....hopefully not the way I was forced to "SEE".

I notice how you walk..slumped over...head down..eyes to the ground...(How can something so WRONG feel so RIGHT? Right?....WRONG) No matter how you try to rationalize your relationship, or your love for him it will NEVER make it right...NEVER. Nothing good can ever come from something wrong..."Being the other woman is fun until your conscience acts up or you get caught".....(I hope you have a working conscience)


 I have nothing much that I want to say to you..yes you are in my life now, I don't want you here......but the choice was never mine to begin with...I have no regrets today..you and I are just so different, we are on different levels spiritually, career wise, socially and in everything else in life..our perceptions  of love are so different.

I want you to know this...and I hope I make myself clear..I am not chasing him...and I am not stalking you (contrary to what you tell people) I have enough to worry about to spend my time on things that are counter productive....I only have one request for you, please have the decency to stay away from me and my son, when you see me don't be brave....because even though I am working on not hating you...I am not perfect and I might snap...I JUST MIGHT..

Yes I love my husband..but the man you are with is NOT the version of him that I want in my life... you can have that "version" of him......I will not take anything less than the man I married and I will NEVER be the other woman.......

 I will always be a part of his life like it or not...just like you will always be a part of my history, whether I like it or not.

Keeping it 100

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony   (Mahatma Gandhi)
Happiness....thats all I want. I have learned that YOU determine your OWN Happiness.  I lost my appetite, for food, for socializing and for being happy. I find myself constantly doing things, and poking my nose into things that I know will hurt me. It is like I keep searching for PROOF that he is cheating, that he is with other women...(deep down inside I know I have all the proof I need) by constantly searching for proof I KEEP HURTING MYSELF! The hardest thing I think is being honest with yourself....actually opening up to yourself and telling yourself (Out loud) that this what you really feel, and this is what you really want to do. Allowing your thoughts, your words and your actions to all be the same.I am going to keep it 100 and be completely up front (after all I am working on being happy and becoming happy requires honesty) I have told people I was over him as soon as enough time dealing with the infidelity had passed (but I wasn't over him, I still thought about him every second) I would YELL at him when he came close to me and tell him the thought of his very touch made me sick (all I wanted was for him to hold me close again and tell me he loved me and that he was sorry) Bottom line....I WAS EXTREMELY UNHAPPY. I was saying things, and doing things that were completely different from how I felt deep down inside. 

So I am trying out this new thing...I call it "Keeping it 100" Where everything I say and do are in line with what I really feel inside. It takes a lot of courage, because I think that PRIDE has to be out of the picture, and a HUGE slice of humble pie is the diet prescribed. Even though it makes me look weak, even though it makes me look like  a huge doormat, I find I am happier with my life. I AM HONEST WITH MYSELF and my actions and words REFLECT how I am really feeling. Today, I am still alone..I wake up to a child crying for breakfast...and not a man laying next to me, but I am alright with that.....I AM HAPPY...I am honest with myself that I am lonely, but I am ok with being lonely (for now). I owe myself time with myself....so I can find out what really makes me happy! I'm "Keeping it 100"

Hard to FORGIVE but even harder to LOVE

The FIRST emotion that filled my body was HATE!! I hated my husband for what he did to me (deep down inside I loved him still) I hated all the women he cheated on me with...(I hated them more than I hated him) To me they were the enemy, they were the ones that broke my family apart...they were at fault!!!

WHO WAS I KIDDING? *He was the reason they were in this mess*

It took a lot of physical altercations, a lot of angry words, LOTS of LIES, but even more praying for me to get to this realize..

     " IT IS EASY TO HATE SOMEONE BUT IT TAKES EVEN MORE COURAGE TO LOVE THEM"

Having so much anger and hatred in my heart has done me no good...it has only added to my depression, its made it hard for me to see anything in a positive light and it has severed my relationship with God.

It is unusual for anyone to speak of religion, but religion and God are the reason I'm coping...

Believing in the existence of a Deity is the only way to get through....Believing that there is someone greater than me, helps me realize that if there is someone greater than I or anyone that has hurt me...then there is SOMETHING greater than THIS...it gives me hope.

The easiest thing for me to do at this point is Hate her....but instead I pray for her
The easiest thing for me to do is Hate him.....instead I pray for him

Being Negative has done me no good, hating them has done me no good....But TRYING (and believe me it is hard) to LOVE them is giving me courage and strength to carry on with my life after all:

"The best thing you can do for a girl that steals your man is to let her have him, because a truly good man can never be stolen.”


I'm working on LOVING more......I'm trying to forgive, Yes I do hurt...yes the pain is unbearable, but I'm finally learning the REAL CONCEPT of LOVE and what I am walking away from was far from it....

Two choices

My husband cheated on me! Now what??? I have to wake up every morning to that reality and YES it is a big shot to my self esteem....I'm going to be completely honest when I say I wake up every morning FEARING what ever new curve ball life will throw at me. I fear that I won't be able to take care of my child, I fear that no one will want me because I have a child, I fear that I will never have the courage to trust again... Each day I spend 80% of my time looking over my shoulder and dodging anything that will TRIGGER A MEMORY of my life with him, because lets face it, right now...MEMORIES HURT!

TWO Choices 1. Spend my life DODGING everything, and miss out on LIVING

                                                                       OR

                          2. Spend my life FACING everything and KEEP LIVING

I keep telling myself that there are people out there going through the same thing, or worse...and I realized there really are! If there is one thing I KNOW now about getting your heart broken because of infidelity it is...even though you walk away from the relationship, you are left with so many EMOTIONAL battle wounds...and those wounds will not heal over night. It took me over 6 months to fall in love with my husband, and it took us 3 years to build trust...if you think about it thats a lot of time....but like they say TIME FLIES WHEN YOU ARE HAVING FUN and it DRAGS when you aren't. Time is definitely dragging right now...but I am not going to give up...I have TOO MUCH riding on this, My child, my sanity, my future and all my hard work that got me to this point in life.

I'm taking choice #2...life is too short to spend most of your time looking over your shoulder....

Morning After..

There is nothing I hate more than waking up ALONE in my own bed. My bed was made for me, and I have no choice but to lay in it. ..
                   My deepest fear? BEING ALONE...
They say you have to face your fears some time, I feel like I was forced into this battle with my fears..I wasn't ready to face it yet, but if I wasn't pushed into it..I would have kept avoiding it even if it meant being UNHAPPY all my life.

Waking up alone in bed is my first step..Im facing my fears..Taking it head on...If I do it now, I won't have to spend the rest of my life avoiding this fear...My tactic? ONE DAY AT A TIME.. The words of a famous reggae artist Gregory Isaacs echos in my head, "I'd rather be LONELY than live a DIRTY LIE"..thats what I'm going to do..be lonely...ALONE...(for now that is) until my heart is no longer broken.