Bits N' Pieces of Me

If there is one thing about myself that I would change….it would be my dwelling tendencies.

             I AM A DWELLER

I can dwell on something from the PAST for days, months, years, centuries…..

This is the reason why past relationships have never worked,

I couldn’t let go of the past, and because I couldn’t I made the possibility of a future IMPOSSIBLE in other words Forgiving and Forgetting is hard for me.

I have struggled to rid myself of this bad habit! I have had it for so long, that I don’t know just when it was in my short lived life that I picked it up, (maybe it is an inherited gene). I always felt that this habit I had of dwelling was a sort of life jacket for me. So I would never get hurt by anyone. Once my trust was broken, there was no turning back from there, I used dwelling to save myself the trouble of having to go down that path of rebuilding trust, and all the BS that comes along with FIXING a relationship.

BUT…like I said in an earlier post, you can only avoid a fear/ weakness for so long, till you have to come FACE TO FACE with it..

I avoided dealing with this weakness so many times in my life and I have come to that FACE TO FACE phase…*sigh* I can no longer run away from it...this time it is not that easy to just "step out"

My deepest desire?  For everything to work out for my family……

What is keeping that from happening? My dwelling….and my EXCELLENT ability to NEVER FORGET

In order to move forward, PROGRESS…I need to LET GO of the past..

IT IS HARD to break a bad habit, especially if it took you YEARS to make that bad habit an ART.

(I’m sorry if a lot of my posts sound like random ramblings, but this blog is my form of THERAPY/ Ventilation.)

“It’s a hard battle that one rages on their self, when they try to break a bad habit”  (Me)

I know from personal experience that the hardest battles ANYONE faces are the ones with themselves:

   -We are our own WORST critics

   -We know ourselves BETTER than anyone else THINKS they know us

   -We are not afraid to HURT our OWN feelings (at least those that keep it 100 aren’t)

I have had a long hard battle with myself, more specifically my fears and my weaknesses; it has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through…

I have seen minimal results, but MINIMAL  IS STILL PROGRESS

Am I still dwelling? Yes….but not so much, that is a victory I can claim 

Do I still have my fears? EVERYDAY…..but I am starting to see the upside to my fears, and they are becoming less scary for me.

It is hard on a person EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY to pick up pieces of a broken life and relationship, especially when a lot of PAST baggage is brought on both ends…if there is one thing I know, it is that my reason for hanging on and never giving up makes my daily battles with my self worth it, and the days that I over come even a tiny piece of my weakness makes the progress worth it. My family makes my fight with my weakness worth everything.

Welcome to my Journey up..

Stupid, Doormat, Weak....

NONE OF THE ABOVE

When I was a teenager and an immature young adult, I looked at women that stayed in hard marriages as Stupid, Doormats and Weak.

I having no idea what they went through, or how it felt to be in their shoes labeled them as such.

They say Karma is a Bee word, and I must concur!

Karma Hit my like a slug to my stomach, and it hurt!

Sometimes we have to go through trials similar to those people that we judged and labeled so we can have empathy for them…because not only do you have an idea of what they are going through, you have felt what they are feeling.

TODAY I AM ONE OF THOSE WOMEN….

I am not Stupid…I am Wiser

I am not a Doormat…..I am a secure home for my children

I am not Weak……I am  stronger, ready to face any challenges that come my way

I look at all the Women in my life that have made it through similar situations and I take my hat off to them…

I look up to those women and I know that in them lies an inner strength, something that is hard to find now days, in them lies HEART.

MY Inner Strength comes from learning about myself throughout the trials I endure:

-What I will tolerate and what I won’t tolerate

-What I deserve and what I don’t deserve

-What I stand for and what I will avoid

- Where my breaking point is

-Who I need to turn to for advice and comfort and who I shouldn’t turn to

I am grateful for my trials…they continue to polish my character and smooth my rough edges as I continue on this Mortal Journey to becoming the Woman God intended me to be, I’m far from perfect and I don’t attest to be…..but I am progressing and progression is always a good thing.

It is too early to say how things will go in regards to my situation…but I have put my heart and soul into fixing what was broken on my side,  so come what may and love it!

Tool box Ready!!

Leaps of Faith

Faith…

I have  grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, yet STILL I am having a hard time grasping it..

As a child attending Primary I learn't the basics of faith:

“Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow”

“Faith is knowing the sun will shine, lighting each new day”

“Faith is a hope for things which are not seen”

My life thus far has been one big LEAP OF FAITH

I am often discouraged because I want LOGIC to govern my actions and choices, yet it rarely does. Don’t get me wrong, I use logic to make choices, but after logic and much pondering about my choice, the LEAP OF FAITH part comes in. If you have been reading my blog, you will notice that there is a pattern in my life: 

the emotional roller coaster with my spouse 

                            and 

the spiritual struggle I have with God

I say emotional roller coaster, because my relationship with my spouse has been just that, a roller coaster..one minute we hate each other , the next we don’t. One minute we don’t want to be married the next minute we do.

I say spiritual struggle with God, because my relationship with him has been just that, a struggle.  I am constantly fighting the natural man in me, that part of me that wants to follow my own will and not God’s will for myself. That part of me that says why wait for some miracle when you can just take matters into your own hands? YOU HAVE CONTROL not GOD!

I have spent the last year or so of my life going back and forth between giving in to the Natural man and doing what is right.

I have spent the last year or so of my life HESITATING before each leap of faith that I took.

My trials have led me to confirm (through PERSONAL EXPERIENCE) these two statements to be true:

1.       “We exercise our faith by stepping into the darkness. If we step with faith, surely the light will follow” (LYNN A. MICKELSEN)

2.       “…Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” (Ether 12:6)

I have found that AFTER I stepped into the darkness the light did follow, it was not till after the fact that I understood WHY I was supposed to make that decision.  After I took my LEAP OF FAITH, I witnessed miracles in my life and I say MIRACLE(S) because things have happened that I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…NEVER, and the word MIRACLE is the only possible word I can think of when I try to fathom it all.

Moving to Utah was a leap of Faith...I didn't know why I had to leave, but I knew that I had to take that Leap of Faith.

Because of my leaps of faith, my life is beginning to mend again...SLOWLY but SURELY my family is slowly mending together...

Sometimes I feel like allowing my family to get back together is another leap of faith on its own..

I don't know for sure how this round will end, but I am certain of one thing:

I am STILL learning the concept of FAITH, and the only way I can fully grasp it all is by the taking the LEAPS that it requires, 

I have taken another leap and..........so far the FREE FALL has been AWESOME :)


 

Just one of them days...

Today I was feeling extra EXTRA discouraged...

Lets just say I have the tendency to allow myself to get my hopes up...only to have them crushed. I can't help it, I like to stay positive...and sometimes I think being too positive is my WEAKNESS.

Any ways...I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it when I am having an extra hard, stressful day and then I find myself opening a book, hearing a song or even talking to someone that like magic....blows that hard day out the window!!

This particular performance on one of my favorite shows to watch "The Voice" did it for me!! It just made me feel like everything would be ok..and ALL my negative thoughts and feelings melted off my shoulders :)

I literally felt like I was standing in the "EYE of the STORM" and amidst all the chaos in my life...this song gave me my second wind!! 

I LOVE DAYS LIKE THESE!!

Suitcases and Mountains

I know it has been a minute since I last blogged...but you know what they say, "No news is good news :)"

First things first:

The name change- I changed the name of my blog because I felt that the old name pointed out that I was dwelling on the "broken" side of things. This blog is supposed to HELP women or anyone to get off the sad saddle, out of the woe is me club and into the "I can do anything" attitude. So I changed the name :)

Its been  a year and a few months since my initial break down...... I have come a long way since then. 

After much spiritual, emotional and mental wrestling, I packed my bags, carried my son and what was left of our life out the door and headed for the mountains (literally). I realized that I had to "get out in order to get well again." The two of us left our painful life behind...hoping to start fresh.

It is hard to leave a painful situation for so many reasons...I found that I stayed in my situation because of fear. 

1. Fear of the unknown

2. Fear of being lonely

3. Fear of failure

4. Fear of criticism.

"They say you don't know what you doing until you stop doing it" (Li'l Wayne) 

Its true...its hard to really see how bad a situation is until you step out of it and  see the whole picture. Sometimes leaving a negative situation is the best thing..sometimes.....

Packing my bags and heading out was one of the hardest and BEST decisions I have made in a while. It was hard...but it was necessary. Today I feel a little more stress free than I did when I was still in that negative environment (don't get me wrong I still have so many things I worry about)...but can I just say that being happy and stress free does wonders for your skin :) I'm glowing so much nowadays!!!

Sometimes doing the right and necessary thing can feel like you are trying to move a mountain. I look out my window everyday and stare at the beautiful rocky mountains and think all my troubles feel as big as those mountains and getting rid of my troubles look so impossible..but I chose to trade my life on the beach for those mountains....I miss the beach, I miss the warm weather and seeing beautiful brown people, in other words I miss being "comfortable".

 Sometimes you have to make short term sacrifices so you can reach your long term goals :)

I am trying to stop chasing the wrong things.....its hard work to break a bad habit! But sometimes moving away from a place is a start in the right direction! And hopefully I can catch something right in the process :)

To: YOU

Words can't even begin to express the emotions that run through my veins...emotions that stem from my heart, pumping adrenaline through my body...causing my mind to process my thoughts at 3000 mph..              ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ EMOTION OVERLOAD ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶   is what my brain is screaming right now....

You are my first love...I saved my all for you..I gave my all to you. I used caution with every man that came into my life, I was extra careful not to give them what I was saving for my first love.."MY HEART"...I kept it locked up tight, behind fences and barbed wire..up in an emotional tower..so high..that only my "true love" would have the time and energy to capture it, and then I met you. You found your way through all the traps I had set for the "imposters", you broke down every wall I had up and braved the impossible heights of my emotional tower to capture "my heart"....but what was it all for? what was all that hard work for??

❤ I LOVE YOU❤ .....but no one has hurt me more than you, and no one ever will...I am getting sick of having so many emotional battles with myself because of you.....You have betrayed me in the worst kind of way...Why did you put so much time and effort into a relationship you were planning on abandoning in the end? Why do you keep coming in and out of my life? Giving me "tests" to see if I really do love you. I am just hoping and praying that one day you will wake up and realize that life is not a big game....I hope you see the casualties of your wreck less behavior....I hope you CRY when you realize the pain you have inflicted ☹

"You and I can never work because you love OUR son more than anyone" is what you said to me

"But I LOVED you more than ANYONE" I said

"Exactly...LOVED..so how can we work?" was your reply

MENTAL WARFARE is the ONLY form of communication you know

I DESPISE the mental warfare you inflict on me...I wish you could just clear your mind and figure out what you want before you fire at me with your verbal ammunition! I am drained...you accuse me of loving our son more than you..but he needs the love I give him to survive and become twice the man you are...he is the only male I trust my broken heart with.

YOU are the only man that has the ability to get under my skin and stay there, why do I let you have such control over me??!!! No matter how much I have tried I can't wash you out of my senses!!! I wish I had a crystal ball...how does this end? 

I can choose the ending...but do I have COURAGE to make that decision??

YOU...still linger in every part of me..what can I do?

                 

Im Tired

Im am tired......today is just one of the days when I feel like I've been hit from all sides, and every time I try to get up..I just get knocked down again!

I don't want to complain because I know that, that is what life is all about and that is why I am here on Earth...to be tested..

I'm just tired...I was reading a book today entitled "However Long and Hard the Road" and this one part stuck out to me....IT MADE ME BAWL MY EYES OUT:

" We must work hard and do right, as Abraham Lincoln said, and sometime our chance will come. And when we've tried , really tried, and waited for what seemed never to be ours, then we may experience what the Savior experienced when "the angels came and ministered unto him." (Matthew 4:11.) SURELY THAT IS WORTH WAITING FOR."

I am tired...but I know if I do my part and do my best..I will have a moment when I will look back and smile...because staying true to myself and my standards was worth it!  

TAKE THAT HARD TIMES!!!