Stupid, Doormat, Weak....

NONE OF THE ABOVE

When I was a teenager and an immature young adult, I looked at women that stayed in hard marriages as Stupid, Doormats and Weak.

I having no idea what they went through, or how it felt to be in their shoes labeled them as such.

They say Karma is a Bee word, and I must concur!

Karma Hit my like a slug to my stomach, and it hurt!

Sometimes we have to go through trials similar to those people that we judged and labeled so we can have empathy for them…because not only do you have an idea of what they are going through, you have felt what they are feeling.

TODAY I AM ONE OF THOSE WOMEN….

I am not Stupid…I am Wiser

I am not a Doormat…..I am a secure home for my children

I am not Weak……I am  stronger, ready to face any challenges that come my way

I look at all the Women in my life that have made it through similar situations and I take my hat off to them…

I look up to those women and I know that in them lies an inner strength, something that is hard to find now days, in them lies HEART.

MY Inner Strength comes from learning about myself throughout the trials I endure:

-What I will tolerate and what I won’t tolerate

-What I deserve and what I don’t deserve

-What I stand for and what I will avoid

- Where my breaking point is

-Who I need to turn to for advice and comfort and who I shouldn’t turn to

I am grateful for my trials…they continue to polish my character and smooth my rough edges as I continue on this Mortal Journey to becoming the Woman God intended me to be, I’m far from perfect and I don’t attest to be…..but I am progressing and progression is always a good thing.

It is too early to say how things will go in regards to my situation…but I have put my heart and soul into fixing what was broken on my side,  so come what may and love it!

Tool box Ready!!

Leaps of Faith

Faith…

I have  grown up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, yet STILL I am having a hard time grasping it..

As a child attending Primary I learn't the basics of faith:

“Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow”

“Faith is knowing the sun will shine, lighting each new day”

“Faith is a hope for things which are not seen”

My life thus far has been one big LEAP OF FAITH

I am often discouraged because I want LOGIC to govern my actions and choices, yet it rarely does. Don’t get me wrong, I use logic to make choices, but after logic and much pondering about my choice, the LEAP OF FAITH part comes in. If you have been reading my blog, you will notice that there is a pattern in my life: 

the emotional roller coaster with my spouse 

                            and 

the spiritual struggle I have with God

I say emotional roller coaster, because my relationship with my spouse has been just that, a roller coaster..one minute we hate each other , the next we don’t. One minute we don’t want to be married the next minute we do.

I say spiritual struggle with God, because my relationship with him has been just that, a struggle.  I am constantly fighting the natural man in me, that part of me that wants to follow my own will and not God’s will for myself. That part of me that says why wait for some miracle when you can just take matters into your own hands? YOU HAVE CONTROL not GOD!

I have spent the last year or so of my life going back and forth between giving in to the Natural man and doing what is right.

I have spent the last year or so of my life HESITATING before each leap of faith that I took.

My trials have led me to confirm (through PERSONAL EXPERIENCE) these two statements to be true:

1.       “We exercise our faith by stepping into the darkness. If we step with faith, surely the light will follow” (LYNN A. MICKELSEN)

2.       “…Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” (Ether 12:6)

I have found that AFTER I stepped into the darkness the light did follow, it was not till after the fact that I understood WHY I was supposed to make that decision.  After I took my LEAP OF FAITH, I witnessed miracles in my life and I say MIRACLE(S) because things have happened that I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…NEVER, and the word MIRACLE is the only possible word I can think of when I try to fathom it all.

Moving to Utah was a leap of Faith...I didn't know why I had to leave, but I knew that I had to take that Leap of Faith.

Because of my leaps of faith, my life is beginning to mend again...SLOWLY but SURELY my family is slowly mending together...

Sometimes I feel like allowing my family to get back together is another leap of faith on its own..

I don't know for sure how this round will end, but I am certain of one thing:

I am STILL learning the concept of FAITH, and the only way I can fully grasp it all is by the taking the LEAPS that it requires, 

I have taken another leap and..........so far the FREE FALL has been AWESOME :)


 

Just one of them days...

Today I was feeling extra EXTRA discouraged...

Lets just say I have the tendency to allow myself to get my hopes up...only to have them crushed. I can't help it, I like to stay positive...and sometimes I think being too positive is my WEAKNESS.

Any ways...I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it when I am having an extra hard, stressful day and then I find myself opening a book, hearing a song or even talking to someone that like magic....blows that hard day out the window!!

This particular performance on one of my favorite shows to watch "The Voice" did it for me!! It just made me feel like everything would be ok..and ALL my negative thoughts and feelings melted off my shoulders :)

I literally felt like I was standing in the "EYE of the STORM" and amidst all the chaos in my life...this song gave me my second wind!! 

I LOVE DAYS LIKE THESE!!

Suitcases and Mountains

I know it has been a minute since I last blogged...but you know what they say, "No news is good news :)"

First things first:

The name change- I changed the name of my blog because I felt that the old name pointed out that I was dwelling on the "broken" side of things. This blog is supposed to HELP women or anyone to get off the sad saddle, out of the woe is me club and into the "I can do anything" attitude. So I changed the name :)

Its been  a year and a few months since my initial break down...... I have come a long way since then. 

After much spiritual, emotional and mental wrestling, I packed my bags, carried my son and what was left of our life out the door and headed for the mountains (literally). I realized that I had to "get out in order to get well again." The two of us left our painful life behind...hoping to start fresh.

It is hard to leave a painful situation for so many reasons...I found that I stayed in my situation because of fear. 

1. Fear of the unknown

2. Fear of being lonely

3. Fear of failure

4. Fear of criticism.

"They say you don't know what you doing until you stop doing it" (Li'l Wayne) 

Its true...its hard to really see how bad a situation is until you step out of it and  see the whole picture. Sometimes leaving a negative situation is the best thing..sometimes.....

Packing my bags and heading out was one of the hardest and BEST decisions I have made in a while. It was hard...but it was necessary. Today I feel a little more stress free than I did when I was still in that negative environment (don't get me wrong I still have so many things I worry about)...but can I just say that being happy and stress free does wonders for your skin :) I'm glowing so much nowadays!!!

Sometimes doing the right and necessary thing can feel like you are trying to move a mountain. I look out my window everyday and stare at the beautiful rocky mountains and think all my troubles feel as big as those mountains and getting rid of my troubles look so impossible..but I chose to trade my life on the beach for those mountains....I miss the beach, I miss the warm weather and seeing beautiful brown people, in other words I miss being "comfortable".

 Sometimes you have to make short term sacrifices so you can reach your long term goals :)

I am trying to stop chasing the wrong things.....its hard work to break a bad habit! But sometimes moving away from a place is a start in the right direction! And hopefully I can catch something right in the process :)