To: YOU

Words can't even begin to express the emotions that run through my veins...emotions that stem from my heart, pumping adrenaline through my body...causing my mind to process my thoughts at 3000 mph..              ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ EMOTION OVERLOAD ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶   is what my brain is screaming right now....

You are my first love...I saved my all for you..I gave my all to you. I used caution with every man that came into my life, I was extra careful not to give them what I was saving for my first love.."MY HEART"...I kept it locked up tight, behind fences and barbed wire..up in an emotional tower..so high..that only my "true love" would have the time and energy to capture it, and then I met you. You found your way through all the traps I had set for the "imposters", you broke down every wall I had up and braved the impossible heights of my emotional tower to capture "my heart"....but what was it all for? what was all that hard work for??

❤ I LOVE YOU❤ .....but no one has hurt me more than you, and no one ever will...I am getting sick of having so many emotional battles with myself because of you.....You have betrayed me in the worst kind of way...Why did you put so much time and effort into a relationship you were planning on abandoning in the end? Why do you keep coming in and out of my life? Giving me "tests" to see if I really do love you. I am just hoping and praying that one day you will wake up and realize that life is not a big game....I hope you see the casualties of your wreck less behavior....I hope you CRY when you realize the pain you have inflicted ☹

"You and I can never work because you love OUR son more than anyone" is what you said to me

"But I LOVED you more than ANYONE" I said

"Exactly...LOVED..so how can we work?" was your reply

MENTAL WARFARE is the ONLY form of communication you know

I DESPISE the mental warfare you inflict on me...I wish you could just clear your mind and figure out what you want before you fire at me with your verbal ammunition! I am drained...you accuse me of loving our son more than you..but he needs the love I give him to survive and become twice the man you are...he is the only male I trust my broken heart with.

YOU are the only man that has the ability to get under my skin and stay there, why do I let you have such control over me??!!! No matter how much I have tried I can't wash you out of my senses!!! I wish I had a crystal ball...how does this end? 

I can choose the ending...but do I have COURAGE to make that decision??

YOU...still linger in every part of me..what can I do?

                 

Im Tired

Im am tired......today is just one of the days when I feel like I've been hit from all sides, and every time I try to get up..I just get knocked down again!

I don't want to complain because I know that, that is what life is all about and that is why I am here on Earth...to be tested..

I'm just tired...I was reading a book today entitled "However Long and Hard the Road" and this one part stuck out to me....IT MADE ME BAWL MY EYES OUT:

" We must work hard and do right, as Abraham Lincoln said, and sometime our chance will come. And when we've tried , really tried, and waited for what seemed never to be ours, then we may experience what the Savior experienced when "the angels came and ministered unto him." (Matthew 4:11.) SURELY THAT IS WORTH WAITING FOR."

I am tired...but I know if I do my part and do my best..I will have a moment when I will look back and smile...because staying true to myself and my standards was worth it!  

TAKE THAT HARD TIMES!!!

God and I

" And if there is a God; and if thou are God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me,  AND I WILL GIVE AWAY ALL MY SINS TO KNOW THEE........" (Alma 22:18)

 Such powerful, heart piercing words spoken by King Lamoni's father after hearing Aaron teach him the Gospel. His words echo in my mind over and over "I will give away ALL my sins to know thee".

I know it is weird to hear a person speak of a being who is unseen by anyone and who has become almost a myth in today's troubled world. But here's the truth...I WOULD NOT BE AT THE WONDERFUL PLACE I AM TODAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR GOD. Amidst all the craziness that has happened within the last year, I found that my life was filled with nothing but hatred towards anyone that was not on my side, depression, chaos and fear. I spent most of my time chasing waterfalls...occupying my time with things that would only bring me grief, sadness, anger and all feelings that were NEGATIVE.

SO I TURNED TO MY HEAVENLY FATHER: 

Why?

 It is only when I am diligently seeking out the lord that I feel the PEACE I so desperately need in my life. The hardest thing about turning to Heavenly Father constantly is the fact that sometimes it feels like I am just talking to myself, I am pouring out my heart to Heavenly Father and the only thing I hear is my echos...

I Loved King Lamoni's father's words so much that I decided to adopt it into my life..I would give away all my sins to know MY HEAVENLY FATHER...and by sins I meant I would stop doing things that I knew would hurt me, I would stop trying to change people and instead change myself, I would stop enabling my husband even if it hurt to see him struggle on his own..I would GIVE UP everything I was doing in my life that would give Satan a chance to catch me and keep me down.....I would give it all up just to have the chance to get to know my Heavenly Father....and I must say that was the best decision I made thus far..

  PRAYER WORKS!! 

 Every time I find myself slipping back into the old me...feeling angry, hopeless, frustrated or lonely I quickly turn to my Heavenly Father...he answers prayers, he gives me the peace I need to be able to keep it together. I have found that as you spend your time trying to draw near to God...you find yourself moving farther and farther away from the things that have potential to hurt you....."The closer you draw to God the narrower the path becomes"..today I find that I have no time for things that have the potential to obstruct my path leading me to my Heavenly Father....ANYTHING that will stop me from drawing closer to my Heavenly Father has got to go!

" Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." ( D&C 88: 63)

I know that prayer works...I have received countless answers to my prayers when I have needed them the most....I know that as you draw closer to Heavenly Father he will draw closer to you and guide you THROUGH your trials....I still have hard days that come at me, but I can't even begin to describe the PEACE I now have in my life as I diligently seek the help of my Heavenly Father.