If there is one thing about myself that I would change….it
would be my dwelling tendencies.
I AM A DWELLER
I can dwell on something from the PAST for days, months,
years, centuries…..
This is the reason why past relationships have never worked,
I couldn’t let go of the past, and because I couldn’t I made
the possibility of a future IMPOSSIBLE in other words Forgiving and Forgetting is hard for me.
I have struggled to rid myself of this bad habit! I have had
it for so long, that I don’t know just when it was in my short lived life that I picked it up, (maybe it is an inherited gene). I always felt that this
habit I had of dwelling was a sort of life jacket for me. So I would never get
hurt by anyone. Once my trust was broken, there was no turning back from there,
I used dwelling to save myself the trouble of having to go down that path of
rebuilding trust, and all the BS that comes along with FIXING a relationship.
BUT…like I said in an earlier post, you can only avoid a
fear/ weakness for so long, till you have to come FACE TO FACE with it..
I avoided dealing with this weakness so many times in my
life and I have come to that FACE TO FACE phase…*sigh* I can no longer run away from it...this time it is not that easy to just "step out"
My deepest desire? For
everything to work out for my family……
What is keeping that from happening? My dwelling….and my EXCELLENT ability to NEVER FORGET
In order to move forward, PROGRESS…I need to LET GO of the
past..
IT IS HARD to break a bad habit, especially if it took you
YEARS to make that bad habit an ART.
(I’m sorry if a lot of my posts sound like random ramblings,
but this blog is my form of THERAPY/ Ventilation.)
“It’s a hard battle that one rages on their self, when they try to break a bad habit” (Me)
I know from personal experience that the hardest battles
ANYONE faces are the ones with themselves:
-We are our own WORST critics
-We know ourselves BETTER than anyone else THINKS they know us
-We are not afraid to HURT our OWN feelings (at least those that keep it 100 aren’t)
I have had a long hard battle with myself, more specifically
my fears and my weaknesses; it has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to go
through…
I have seen minimal results, but MINIMAL IS STILL PROGRESS
Am I still dwelling? Yes….but not so much, that is a victory
I can claim
Do I still have my fears? EVERYDAY…..but I am starting to
see the upside to my fears, and they are becoming less scary for me.
It is hard on a person EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY to pick up
pieces of a broken life and relationship, especially when a lot of PAST baggage is brought on both ends…if there is one thing I know, it is that my reason for hanging on and never giving up makes my daily battles with my self worth it, and the days that I over come even a tiny piece of my weakness makes the progress worth it. My family makes my fight with my weakness worth everything.
