THE WHY?
I am new to this blogging thing, but I thought I would give it a try. Writing is something I never liked to do, I always thought that the only time someone should write is when they are really passionate about something, I feel the only way something could really impact another person is if it comes from the Heart. This blog is about the heart and everything I write will come from my heart. I do not write on behalf of everyone that has gotten their hearts broken, because everyone is different and EVERYONE deals with a broken heart differently. I will however, write from the point of view of a WOMAN and a SINGLE MOTHER with a broken heart. I want this Blog to Inspire every woman that can relate to my situation and to help you see that after all the heartache, depression and fear the only way to go is UP!
THE WHAT?
I got married relatively young...at the age of 21 to be exact. I had met the man of my dreams, he was eight years older, he was tall dark and handsome, every word he spoke to me was like gold! I loved him for his "honesty" his "kindness" his "generosity" and I found that we had the same "goals" in life. I figured I didn't need to look any further, I had found my "Prince". We went every where together, and did everything together, he was my best friend.
Six months into our marriage to be exact we got pregnant, four months following the positive pregnancy test we lost our child to a "spontaneous abortion" the fetus' heart stops beating. This is the moment that I THINK I lost him...Following an abnormal pap-smear I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer...(I was losing him fast). After the cancer treatment, we tried again for a child and were successful! (I won him back!) Things started to take a turn for the worst from there..he became distant, he worked a lot and I made excuses for why he stayed away...(I was losing him again, and I didn't even know it!) Our bundle of Joy finally arrived and my husband was back! He was no longer distant and it was like we were finally complete...three months later I had just returned home from a wonderful thanksgiving dinner with our family! I had so much to be thankful for! My baby, my husband and our home! My husband had to go out for a couple of hours and I was at home with our three month old. There came a knock at the door, today I keep kicking myself for opening that door. I shouldn't have answered!! I did...it was my close friends and my sisters, they brought bad news...he was having an affair!! My heart jumped out of my body...I felt light headed...Where was my husband? What was he really doing? The only sounds that could escape my lips were groans, I was dying inside...I could hear my heart breaking....My "fairytale" was coming to an abrupt end! It hadn't even begun!! We were only married two years! We had a baby! WHY?!
The next morning we had the "talk" he said he loved me and he loved our baby...(but she was not the only girl he was having an affair with)...he said he wanted to work everything out with me....(but he kept seeing her). I did what most women with a broken heart would do...I despised the other woman, I told myself he was only with her because she was chasing him around, she was the enemy and he was the victim. I had to be the strong woman and protect him from her..I had it twisted...he had me twisted! I would spend countless nights laying in bed listening for his footsteps to walk down the hall to come home from work, they never came till the early hours of the morning. I spent countless hours going through his emails only to confirm what I already knew..he was still cheating and he wasn't going to stop. Everyday my heart would break into another million pieces yet I couldn't let go! One night we got into an argument...he hit me! I cried my eyes out that night...yet I still couldn't leave..I was weak.. I was comfortable with the abuse, somehow I convinced myself it was because I was so broken he didn't love me! If I could somehow "fix" myself he would love me again. Things never got better, my sisters finally convinced me I needed help and that I had to get out!
My night of Exodus is what I called it...it was hard, he wouldn't let me leave, he threatened to take my son from me, he threatened violence. My sisters helped me pack and move out..I could finally BREATHE! Its been two months since my night of Exodus...The pain is still there...the sting of love is still there, my heart breaks every time I see a reminder of "us". Everyday I fight an emotional battle.....sometimes I win sometimes I don't, but the days that I do win my broken heart mends a little more. This is my battle, this is my JOURNEY UP!
